Redefining love - 2011

Summer holidays and plenty of time to think has brought me back to my rants in 2011 with a fresh approach.  

 

I have stated more than adequately that there are multiple challenges facing a step parent. I have indulged in my fair share of self pity and blame-laying and moaning - much to the amusement of many of you - however now it is time to get down to the real purpose of the rants. The scene has been set, the foundations laid, the problems identified. 

Now to start sorting the whole darn mess out. Slice by slice!

The key to understanding a person, I believe, is to really get to know them. What makes them tick, what are their favourite things, what are they afraid of, who do they admire, what do they want to do with their life? 

How do we get to know a person better? Spend time with them, observe them, chat and listen.

Sounds easy enough. 

So what are the obstacles to this process of getting to know someone, or entering someone’s world?

Aside from the everyday distractions of being tired, busy or working, what springs to my mind is a term I learned when I attended the Landmark Forum about 100 years ago - it’s a phenomenon called ‘Already, Always Listening’ (AAL). This pertains to the way in which we view our reality and daily events. It suggests that our perception is filtered and/or obscured by our previous experience which therefore renders our vision of current circumstances subjective rather than objective. This in turn profoundly affects our relationships and situations we find ourselves in on a daily basis. We are responding to immediate circumstances based on beliefs formed by our recent and/or long-term history. This AAL model really makes a lot of sense, and to free myself from the albatross step parenting has become for me would certainly make life here in the country a whole dang lot betterer!  

So, while I will still tell it like it is...I will also be solving each situation as it arises. I will not be completely overwhelmed, frustrated, devastated and phenomenally irritated. I have put the boarding school literature away in a (easily accessible) drawer; I have unbookmarked the adoption agency page in the phone book, and I have taken the pins out of the blonde, blue-eyed doll stashed in the bitch box...I will endeavour to understand, feel compassion, rise above, and lead the way constructively when the red rag that represents my stepson’s idiosyncrasies is waved in front of me. I no longer consider Gordon’s to be my best friend, and finally I resolve to only water the flowers, not the weeds! 

Wish me luck - and watch this space! 

P.S. I must confess that the stepson has been away for the week at his grandparents...I am feeling calm and having increasing moments of clarity...long may it last...oh flowers - not weeds...flowers...flowers...